you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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