the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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