So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
