Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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