My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
