How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
