Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize