And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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