Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
