Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
