I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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