i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
