Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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