Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
