Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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