It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
