M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
