I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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