No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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