My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
