i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
