Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
