I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize