can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
