i need an iv and a liver transplant
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
