you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
