Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
