Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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