I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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