We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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