maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
