She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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