just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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