I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
