I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize