that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize