did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
