Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
