So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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