A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
