i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
