you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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