By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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