no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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