I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
