You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
