I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
