What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
