I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A+ Viking dick
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
