i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well I just put wine in my tea
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
