She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
