i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
