I just pynch a tree in the face
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize