If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
