I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
