we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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