Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
