Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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