I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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