we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
