you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
