This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
