So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I supernannyed him into submission
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
