It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
being pregnant is like rehab
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
